It's been so long since I have sat down at a computer and typed what's in my heart...
I MISS IT!
Six months ago or so, my three year old spilled water all over my laptop. There went computer number two (and I'm not even going to say how many cell phones). It's hard enough to find time to write, having to find a computer AND the time to write was pretty much not going to happen ever. But alas, there finally seems to be a moment of silence in my house-- and I wanted nothing more than to sit down on hubby's computer and jump on my long-lost blog. Ironically, I've been sitting here with no clue where to begin. So many thoughts to catch up on. So many emotions from a long, stressful day. And partially just enjoying the peace as well!
Our latest struggles have been detoxing in ways I never imagined when I first set foot on this toxic-free journey. Food, check. Clothes, toys, check. Soaps, cleaners, beauty products, check. But how often do we pause life to check out our emotions? In such a busy culture, in such a hostile environment, stopping to smell the roses and create a house of peace for some reason never made the list. Until one day, we had enough. Three moves, two small kids (who don't sleep, ever, and who we are raising without any help from family) and a demanding job that requires a lot of work from hubby later, we finally said-- that's it! We were bending under pressure. We were rude, sarcastic, short, irritable. Our little bear, imitating mommy and daddy, had also become rude, sarcastic, short, and irritable. We agreed there had to be a better, more peaceful way. And we began to figure that out.
It was tough on our own. Sometimes I feel like as children, we are taught all of the wrong things. Sit still, be quiet, get good grades, clean your room, maybe if you were lucky you were taught to save your money. What about the life lessons that really matter- how to hold a genuine conversation, how to express your emotions without hurting others, how to manage anger and frustration, how to be in charge of our feelings and not bend when others try to break us. Why do we not learn what real love looks like, what to do when things don't go our way, how to be patient, how to meditate when we are under stress, how to stay healthy- physically AND emotionally. I don't think our parents (not necessarily ours but parents in general) have failed us; rather, I think sadly that they did not ever learn these things either. And if you look around at a very sad, angry, depressed, hurting community of youth and young adults (many who are now also raising very sad, angry, depressed, and hurting kids of their own) this is obvious. They may be great at algebra or soccer or be first in their class, but are they on medication, in a bad relationship, abusing substances, etc etc in order to be "happy"? There is certainly something to be said about all of that. If I am making any sense.
Today, life in our household is so much better. My relationship with my husband has been restored. My little bear is thriving off a sense of family, routine, responsibility and belonging to something higher than himself. I am rekindling that connection with my kids, the one I thought for a while there that I might be too tired to ever get back. We have mantras hung about our house, meditate together, spend quality time together, and every day we are improving in our dialogue and communication (although we have lots of slip-ups, we are doing much better. Rewiring that old brain sure is difficult).
The difficult part of all this now, is coming to terms with the fact that some people are just toxic and do not make maintaining the zen of our family easy. I see now that toxic should not just be a label for food or items, but it should also be a label for people or situations. Putting yourself in an environment where you know you are setting yourself up for failure. That is toxic, too. I have always felt that primal need to shelter my children from certain things, but now I feel that same need to protect my family UNIT. Because now, we are striving towards things that I (having had many phases of being toxic myself in my younger years, which I am not proud of) never in a million years would have dreamed could be attainable. Now it is here, in my home, and it's beautiful and sacred and I am never letting it go. Even if that means making tough decisions. Even if that means going against wonderful qualities such as forgiveness, empathy, compassion. "Toxic" comes in many forms and has many faces. And just like all of those awful chemicals and products, it will not be brought into our home. **Breathing sigh of relief**
Good luck to all of you dealing with a toxic person in your life. It's difficult. And if you find yourself hurting others (as I did for many years) please know it's never too late to change. XO,
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
On Our Way: Feeling Optimistic
For once, I felt as though I should take a moment to sit and write when frustration isn't the root of my words. Finally, I feel as though all of my hard work has paid off. Who knows what the future will bring... who knows what hands life will deal us or what crazy twists and turns fate has for us. I don't know (nor would I want to know)... but I do now that now, in this moment of time, we are well. We are happy, we are healthy, and we are continuing to strive for the non-toxic lifestyle that at times seems impossible to achieve.
Our newest edition, Baby A, was diagnosed with food allergies (or, the inability to digest certain proteins) during our last trip to the doctor . Since she is receiving 100% of her nutrition from breast milk, I cut all forms of dairy (I had rekindled my love of everything cheese since I weaned the toddler 8 months ago), soy, egg, and nuts from my diet. Within THREE days (I am NOT exaggerating- THREE!) her skin was almost 100% healed. The blood and puss dried, the cracks soothed, the swelling and blotchiness faded and then in the week to follow her sweet smooth baby skin reappeared in all of it's beauty and fullness. She immediately began sleeping better, crying WAY less, and was obviously (and understandably) much happier. Of course, being that these foods are all things I wouldn't mind eliminating from my diet anyhow (and had prior when I was nursing BB), I thought it would be easy... but it's NOT. We are currently living in a hotel (more on that later) and therefore eating out a lot more than I would like. I have accidentally "poisoned" myself twice since Baby A's recovery- and both times she instantly (within a few feedings!) broke out all over her face and began to puss from the pores. I almost can't describe it, it's so odd, but that's what it's like- a clear smelly liquid that comes from the pores of her face and head and continues to ooze no matter what you do to tend to it. Ugh! :(
Luckily, with a correction of my diet both times it went away within a day. Total insanity.
Baby Bear, who is now 3 and really should be renamed Crazy Toddler (but I'll keep it BB because I am confusing myself with all of these names!), is also happy, healthy, and besides being a Crazy Toddler, well. In spite of licking every floor, wall, toy, and elevator (yes, seriously) he comes in contact with, he remains healthy. He even started coming down with something a few times and every time kicked it almost as soon as it started. He hasn't had an ear infection in ages, he sleeps well at night (WOO-HOO!) and he's overall just such an awesome kid. I am so lucky to be his mom. Looking back on his journey, I just can't believe what a difficult and truly shitty time we had figuring all of that nonsense out. Since having Baby A, I've been looking back on old baby pictures and it's really just so obvious how it all played out... but of course at the time I had no clue, apparently neither did any of the zillions of doctors we visited, and in those moments of hopelessness and frustration it was probably impossible to understand anyhow. But now, now that I am more focused...aware...educated... I see. I had this perfectly healthy little baby, who slept well and was as happy as could be, whose symptoms of food allergies went unrecognized. Bloody eczema and abnormal stools led us to the doctors, who led us to the world of Big Pharma. Steroids and drugs led to even more problems, his immunity was weakened and he caught EVERY cold, flu, and bug there was. Through this time he continued to be vaccinated on a normal schedule- even though most of the time he was ill (until the 15 month shots, which we delayed because he was really sick. This was when they kept telling me we will "catch up next time" and I finally left a world of ignorance and educated myself. I'd say sorry if this offends you but I'm not really). Enter anaphylactic food allergies, more trips to the doctors, and the joy of getting to carry an EpiPen (and fear) around with us for eternity. It took eliminating all drugs and toxins, detoxifying, and finally supplementing to nurse his poor little body back to health. But I feel like I can finally say we are there! We have looked illnesses in the face and stomped our foot in their mouths. Does it mean his body has the power to fight off the big stuff? I hope I'll never have to know. But it does mean we are far, far away from where we used to be and for that I am extremely grateful.
And now, in this hotel, we wait for our dream house to be built. The house that started this blog, as I wanted to document our progress into the house... but somehow I have yet to write anything about it! The house that will not just be a place we spend our time in, but will be instead a sanctuary for me and my family. A breathe of fresh air in a toxic world. A house filled with as many natural products as we can manage, built from the ground up with safe materials. A burden is lifted off my shoulders thinking about how incredibly fortunate I am to provide such a place for my children. All of our struggles and our tears, combined with all of our love and hard work, has come together to bring us this beautiful little family and this amazingly perfect home. I wouldn't change a thing <3.
Our newest edition, Baby A, was diagnosed with food allergies (or, the inability to digest certain proteins) during our last trip to the doctor . Since she is receiving 100% of her nutrition from breast milk, I cut all forms of dairy (I had rekindled my love of everything cheese since I weaned the toddler 8 months ago), soy, egg, and nuts from my diet. Within THREE days (I am NOT exaggerating- THREE!) her skin was almost 100% healed. The blood and puss dried, the cracks soothed, the swelling and blotchiness faded and then in the week to follow her sweet smooth baby skin reappeared in all of it's beauty and fullness. She immediately began sleeping better, crying WAY less, and was obviously (and understandably) much happier. Of course, being that these foods are all things I wouldn't mind eliminating from my diet anyhow (and had prior when I was nursing BB), I thought it would be easy... but it's NOT. We are currently living in a hotel (more on that later) and therefore eating out a lot more than I would like. I have accidentally "poisoned" myself twice since Baby A's recovery- and both times she instantly (within a few feedings!) broke out all over her face and began to puss from the pores. I almost can't describe it, it's so odd, but that's what it's like- a clear smelly liquid that comes from the pores of her face and head and continues to ooze no matter what you do to tend to it. Ugh! :(
Luckily, with a correction of my diet both times it went away within a day. Total insanity.
Baby Bear, who is now 3 and really should be renamed Crazy Toddler (but I'll keep it BB because I am confusing myself with all of these names!), is also happy, healthy, and besides being a Crazy Toddler, well. In spite of licking every floor, wall, toy, and elevator (yes, seriously) he comes in contact with, he remains healthy. He even started coming down with something a few times and every time kicked it almost as soon as it started. He hasn't had an ear infection in ages, he sleeps well at night (WOO-HOO!) and he's overall just such an awesome kid. I am so lucky to be his mom. Looking back on his journey, I just can't believe what a difficult and truly shitty time we had figuring all of that nonsense out. Since having Baby A, I've been looking back on old baby pictures and it's really just so obvious how it all played out... but of course at the time I had no clue, apparently neither did any of the zillions of doctors we visited, and in those moments of hopelessness and frustration it was probably impossible to understand anyhow. But now, now that I am more focused...aware...educated... I see. I had this perfectly healthy little baby, who slept well and was as happy as could be, whose symptoms of food allergies went unrecognized. Bloody eczema and abnormal stools led us to the doctors, who led us to the world of Big Pharma. Steroids and drugs led to even more problems, his immunity was weakened and he caught EVERY cold, flu, and bug there was. Through this time he continued to be vaccinated on a normal schedule- even though most of the time he was ill (until the 15 month shots, which we delayed because he was really sick. This was when they kept telling me we will "catch up next time" and I finally left a world of ignorance and educated myself. I'd say sorry if this offends you but I'm not really). Enter anaphylactic food allergies, more trips to the doctors, and the joy of getting to carry an EpiPen (and fear) around with us for eternity. It took eliminating all drugs and toxins, detoxifying, and finally supplementing to nurse his poor little body back to health. But I feel like I can finally say we are there! We have looked illnesses in the face and stomped our foot in their mouths. Does it mean his body has the power to fight off the big stuff? I hope I'll never have to know. But it does mean we are far, far away from where we used to be and for that I am extremely grateful.
And now, in this hotel, we wait for our dream house to be built. The house that started this blog, as I wanted to document our progress into the house... but somehow I have yet to write anything about it! The house that will not just be a place we spend our time in, but will be instead a sanctuary for me and my family. A breathe of fresh air in a toxic world. A house filled with as many natural products as we can manage, built from the ground up with safe materials. A burden is lifted off my shoulders thinking about how incredibly fortunate I am to provide such a place for my children. All of our struggles and our tears, combined with all of our love and hard work, has come together to bring us this beautiful little family and this amazingly perfect home. I wouldn't change a thing <3.
Monday, June 2, 2014
But It Really Isn't Fair...
Seriously, what the FUCK.
I logged on with more comprehensive thoughts in my mind...but as I sit here in tears and rage that is the only thing that now comes to my mind. What. The. Fuck.
Are allergies SO common these days that when you bring your poor fatigued one month old to the doctor, lying on the table with eyes so swollen one barely opens, eczema so awful it bleeds and her tiny organic cotton onesie so stained with puss from her skin that it's yellow around all of it's edges he says-- "She looks much better, I'll see her again in ten days." THIS is better?! Okay, I get it, I'm Mom and he's Doc; my role is to go into full panic mode while his is to stay calm and in control. But to just pass it off-- here's some cream, take this drug, looking good. It's all too repetitive of what we went through with our now three-year-old and I tell you I'll be damned if I'm going down that road again!!!!
And as is human nature in all my fury I have been desperately attempting to blame something or someone, but I see now it doesn't work like that. When we experienced this before, I was convinced it was the vaccinations. I was 100% certain this child (vax-free) would not have the same problems that our first had. But (even though I still think the vaccination program is a scam) we were caught off guard and thrown for a loop as life has a way of doing to you, and I again found myself asking WHY? I thought, I bet this was not a problem in earlier ages...I'm sure the hunter-gatherer moms were not like, 'oh my god...my baby has hives, what did I eat?!'. Which made me realize, that not just food, but a LOT of things have changed since then. Straying from that primitive diet, infiltrating our food supply with GMOs, chemicals, vaccines full of toxins and food proteins, toxic lifestyles, and so on. I realize now that I can continue wasting my time trying to pass blame or I can spend that time (so little of it I have now, ha!) doing what I've become so good at-- educating myself on the things that affect my family and finding ways to navigate through all the shit and keep them healthy to the best of my ability.
I suppose I'll keep doing the latter, and while I'm at it I'll also try to keep from yelling "It's not FAIR!" every time I think about it. My three year old now has a new favorite expression and it's driving me insane.
I logged on with more comprehensive thoughts in my mind...but as I sit here in tears and rage that is the only thing that now comes to my mind. What. The. Fuck.
Are allergies SO common these days that when you bring your poor fatigued one month old to the doctor, lying on the table with eyes so swollen one barely opens, eczema so awful it bleeds and her tiny organic cotton onesie so stained with puss from her skin that it's yellow around all of it's edges he says-- "She looks much better, I'll see her again in ten days." THIS is better?! Okay, I get it, I'm Mom and he's Doc; my role is to go into full panic mode while his is to stay calm and in control. But to just pass it off-- here's some cream, take this drug, looking good. It's all too repetitive of what we went through with our now three-year-old and I tell you I'll be damned if I'm going down that road again!!!!
And as is human nature in all my fury I have been desperately attempting to blame something or someone, but I see now it doesn't work like that. When we experienced this before, I was convinced it was the vaccinations. I was 100% certain this child (vax-free) would not have the same problems that our first had. But (even though I still think the vaccination program is a scam) we were caught off guard and thrown for a loop as life has a way of doing to you, and I again found myself asking WHY? I thought, I bet this was not a problem in earlier ages...I'm sure the hunter-gatherer moms were not like, 'oh my god...my baby has hives, what did I eat?!'. Which made me realize, that not just food, but a LOT of things have changed since then. Straying from that primitive diet, infiltrating our food supply with GMOs, chemicals, vaccines full of toxins and food proteins, toxic lifestyles, and so on. I realize now that I can continue wasting my time trying to pass blame or I can spend that time (so little of it I have now, ha!) doing what I've become so good at-- educating myself on the things that affect my family and finding ways to navigate through all the shit and keep them healthy to the best of my ability.
I suppose I'll keep doing the latter, and while I'm at it I'll also try to keep from yelling "It's not FAIR!" every time I think about it. My three year old now has a new favorite expression and it's driving me insane.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Our Home Birth
The maternal instinct to protect my children has controlled my life for the past three years (and I wouldn't want it any other way). When it came to birthing our second child, we opted for a homebirth. Primarily, our focus was on being as far from the medical community and government structure as possible. Not that we aren't grateful for such communities and our ability to utilize them when necessary... we are... but at the same time we see the constant over-stepping of boundaries and limitations of freedoms/ lack of respect for choices (that can happen) in these environments as well. And this time around, we wanted control over our family and our decisions. Call me paranoid.
We entered the process with this as our motivation; however, through the process we became so grateful for so many other things. It was such an incredible, amazing experience and although it was begun out of fear for the alternative, so much love and beauty was discovered in the midst of this journey. I would like to write down some things I am especially thankful for at the end of it all.
Our Home Birth: My Favorite Things
-Being given the confidence and control to take charge of my body and my family throughout the entire process.
-Having one-on-one support in a comfortable environment. Appointments were personal and simple. I never felt like a number in line, never had to sit in a waiting room, didn't need to show identification before I saw my doctor or verify my information was correct a million times. Appointments were determined based on MY pregnancy, MY body, and how I was feeling.
-Approaches were simple and natural throughout the pregnancy and for the delivery. I drank real juice for the glucose screening, answered/asked questions about my body (as opposed to being checked, screened and monitored constantly), I took herbs for pain relief and opted for oral vitamin K for the baby.
-Attachment was fostered for the family unit as a whole. I held the baby as soon she was out and kept her skin-to-skin for days (no nurses taking her, no incubators, nobody directing how I should sleep with her and feed her and when). I was able to hold my toddler as soon as he woke up and even bathe/play with him the same day I gave birth to his sister. My husband, kids and I were all able to stick to our normal routine with minimal disruption--leaving the focus on spending time together and bonding as a family. I didn't have to hire a babysitter or worry about visiting hours. It was amazing.
-Baby girl got checked and weighed gently and lovingly by my birth team. She was weighed in a little blanket instead of on a cold, hard scale. It was beautiful.
-The bond that was created with my birth team. I felt like they were truly part of our family and they will always hold a special place in my heart. Their love and concern was evident throughout the process and during the birth. I enjoyed seeing them after for follow up visits (also in the comfort of my own bed ;) )
-I can't leave out that my labor AND delivery time totaled about one hour. Maybe it was coincidence, maybe it had nothing to do with having a home birth whatsoever, but one hour to have a baby is freakin' outstanding and has to be included on the list. (It happened so quickly, in fact, that my husband and doula were about three pushes from delivering the baby--no joke. Another great memory ;) No tearing, little pain, quick recovery. Heck yeah baby.
I would have to pretty much say it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Do I want to run out and do it again... not really... but if the day ever comes when we welcome our third I know just who I will be picking up the phone to call. And in the meantime, I would highly recommend the process or my incredible birth team (except my husband.. he's all mine!) to anyone :)
*Feeling so much love <3 *
We entered the process with this as our motivation; however, through the process we became so grateful for so many other things. It was such an incredible, amazing experience and although it was begun out of fear for the alternative, so much love and beauty was discovered in the midst of this journey. I would like to write down some things I am especially thankful for at the end of it all.
Our Home Birth: My Favorite Things
-Being given the confidence and control to take charge of my body and my family throughout the entire process.
-Having one-on-one support in a comfortable environment. Appointments were personal and simple. I never felt like a number in line, never had to sit in a waiting room, didn't need to show identification before I saw my doctor or verify my information was correct a million times. Appointments were determined based on MY pregnancy, MY body, and how I was feeling.
-Approaches were simple and natural throughout the pregnancy and for the delivery. I drank real juice for the glucose screening, answered/asked questions about my body (as opposed to being checked, screened and monitored constantly), I took herbs for pain relief and opted for oral vitamin K for the baby.
-Attachment was fostered for the family unit as a whole. I held the baby as soon she was out and kept her skin-to-skin for days (no nurses taking her, no incubators, nobody directing how I should sleep with her and feed her and when). I was able to hold my toddler as soon as he woke up and even bathe/play with him the same day I gave birth to his sister. My husband, kids and I were all able to stick to our normal routine with minimal disruption--leaving the focus on spending time together and bonding as a family. I didn't have to hire a babysitter or worry about visiting hours. It was amazing.
-Baby girl got checked and weighed gently and lovingly by my birth team. She was weighed in a little blanket instead of on a cold, hard scale. It was beautiful.
-The bond that was created with my birth team. I felt like they were truly part of our family and they will always hold a special place in my heart. Their love and concern was evident throughout the process and during the birth. I enjoyed seeing them after for follow up visits (also in the comfort of my own bed ;) )
-I can't leave out that my labor AND delivery time totaled about one hour. Maybe it was coincidence, maybe it had nothing to do with having a home birth whatsoever, but one hour to have a baby is freakin' outstanding and has to be included on the list. (It happened so quickly, in fact, that my husband and doula were about three pushes from delivering the baby--no joke. Another great memory ;) No tearing, little pain, quick recovery. Heck yeah baby.
I would have to pretty much say it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Do I want to run out and do it again... not really... but if the day ever comes when we welcome our third I know just who I will be picking up the phone to call. And in the meantime, I would highly recommend the process or my incredible birth team (except my husband.. he's all mine!) to anyone :)
*Feeling so much love <3 *
Friday, March 14, 2014
Peaceful Parenting
This is a topic that is so near and dear to my heart right now. Obviously, I am a mother of young children-- but it hits me even deeper than that. I look at our society and so many of the problems in our young and old alike, and I truly to my core feel like this is the answer we so desperately need. It's easy to look at the outward problems our western modern society faces (poor diets, so many on prescription medicines, the mass diagnosis of mental issues such as anxiety and depression, to name a few) but what is at the root of all of these things? Such a vague question which probably does not have one easy answer; however, I truly feel that if our parenting techniques change we will start to see so many changes in our society as a whole. This has become my passion.
It has been such a bumpy road uncovering these techniques and philosophies (and ultimately, validating what I felt was right in my heart). I have been met with resistance from both strangers and family, accusations, insults, rude remarks and even pleasant ones from people who feel that they need to "help" me with my "willful" child. Words like "control", "manipulate", and "obey" became part of conversations I would hear. Expressions such as: "if you don't enforce discipline now then they will walk all over you later in life", and: "if you don't teach them to behave now they'll never learn" were thrown out like they were part of some manual for raising children I never managed to get a copy of. Not only did none of it make sense to me (I don't know many 6 year olds who try to climb under the table at a restaurant , for example, or many adults who take advantage of their parents because they remember fondly the wonderful relationship they had with them). For a while, I was very emotional about all of this. I have now come to a place of understanding. This way of child-rearing is very new for many people. Unfortunately (or fortunately, for parents now), the culture at the time plays a large role in how parents raise their children, and if you search back a few generations...well...it wasn't pleasant. We went from extreme corporal punishment, to limited corporal punishment, to behavior control and modification and now luckily for many- a complete reversal in thinking. Our times went from influences such as B.F. Skinner and John Watson, to attachment parenting advocated such as John Bowlby and William Sears.
There have been many times on this journey of parenting that I have felt alone, but I realize I am far from alone. Although I may be standing solo at certain places/times/situations, there is really a whole movement of parents working towards change. There are abundant resources at our fingertips that our parents didn't have: AP support groups, gentle parenting meetup groups, internet resources and other free help just about everywhere. I meet more people out who are peaceful and respectful to their children than I do those who are not. I need to keep this in mind when I become saddened by witnessing another child being spanked, or screamed at, or put in time out, or even just told that if they don't do XYZ "right now" they will lose their favorite toy, or show, or snack. It's sad. It's heartbreaking. But we can change the future. And we will!
Today, something happened that really opened my eyes to my goals and efforts and just how crucial they are. It was one of those unexpected, out-of-the-blue, sent from heaven (or wherever) moments that are just meant to happen. My mother, who has been an alcoholic for years, and who I haven't had much of a relationship with since having my son three years ago, called me from her rehab center in Arizona (she finally accepted help). She spoke to me (openly, honestly!) about her classes and how she is learning how to communicate and express her feelings. She shared with me that it is one of the most difficult things she has ever (EVER... coming from a woman who has had a very difficult life) done. "I wasn't raised anything like this," she said. "I wish I would have taught you kids all of this."
It was an odd yet perfect time to have this conversation. Currently, in my own life, my biggest struggle at the moment is communicating more effectively with my husband. We are trying, and failing a lot. It has come between us more than it ever should have and it seems like such a simple thing to change-- but it's NOT. It's freakin' hard. We are reading books, learning more about Non-Violent Communication, trying to figure out what each other needs. But in the heat of a discussion, to not revert back to old habits, is just plain exasperating. It is for sure, the most difficult thing I have ever done, too.
So you see, here you have two grown adults... at COMPLETELY different points in their life... struggling with something so basic. Experiencing pain, loss, frustration, anger, over something so simple yet so foreign to them both. Does it matter how educated they are, how "socialized" they were as children, how positive or negative their childhood experiences were, how much money they had or how many things they have now? No! Nothing matters...except that there was NO communication taught in either family as children, there was no "connection" with parents that allowed the child to freely express themselves and work through feelings, among other things. This is where the path of past parenting styles have led two generations, and at the end of the road there is nothing but a huge split that requires a lot of damn work to get over.
It is my hopes that, no matter what happens in my children's lives, they always know they have a safe place to turn to. A loving shoulder to cry on. An open environment to express their feelings no matter WHAT those feelings may be. They may wind up in bad situations, they may wind up feeling hurt or angry or many of the other millions of bad things parents pray never happen to their kids, but one thing that they can always be assured of is that our relationship is unconditional, our love for them is unconditional, and that regardless of their actions or behavior or anything else they will always be part of our family.
This is not a subject I am ever willing to compromise on because it does mean "The World." Our future world, starting with my children and yours. There are no excuses-- no more saying "I didn't know" or "I grew up this way and I am just fine." Clearly, things are not *fine* (good for you if you were spanked and turned out okay...time to shoot for more than just okay, maybe?). Clearly, things need to change. It is overwhelming when I stop and think about the whole nation and culture of hurting people and children, so most of the time, I don't. But I can-and do- spend a lot of time (almost every second) thinking about the small little hands that hold mine so closely every day, the big blue eyes that look up to me with love and admiration. And I can see change in those eyes. And lots of love.
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." --Jimi Hendrix <3
It has been such a bumpy road uncovering these techniques and philosophies (and ultimately, validating what I felt was right in my heart). I have been met with resistance from both strangers and family, accusations, insults, rude remarks and even pleasant ones from people who feel that they need to "help" me with my "willful" child. Words like "control", "manipulate", and "obey" became part of conversations I would hear. Expressions such as: "if you don't enforce discipline now then they will walk all over you later in life", and: "if you don't teach them to behave now they'll never learn" were thrown out like they were part of some manual for raising children I never managed to get a copy of. Not only did none of it make sense to me (I don't know many 6 year olds who try to climb under the table at a restaurant , for example, or many adults who take advantage of their parents because they remember fondly the wonderful relationship they had with them). For a while, I was very emotional about all of this. I have now come to a place of understanding. This way of child-rearing is very new for many people. Unfortunately (or fortunately, for parents now), the culture at the time plays a large role in how parents raise their children, and if you search back a few generations...well...it wasn't pleasant. We went from extreme corporal punishment, to limited corporal punishment, to behavior control and modification and now luckily for many- a complete reversal in thinking. Our times went from influences such as B.F. Skinner and John Watson, to attachment parenting advocated such as John Bowlby and William Sears.
There have been many times on this journey of parenting that I have felt alone, but I realize I am far from alone. Although I may be standing solo at certain places/times/situations, there is really a whole movement of parents working towards change. There are abundant resources at our fingertips that our parents didn't have: AP support groups, gentle parenting meetup groups, internet resources and other free help just about everywhere. I meet more people out who are peaceful and respectful to their children than I do those who are not. I need to keep this in mind when I become saddened by witnessing another child being spanked, or screamed at, or put in time out, or even just told that if they don't do XYZ "right now" they will lose their favorite toy, or show, or snack. It's sad. It's heartbreaking. But we can change the future. And we will!
Today, something happened that really opened my eyes to my goals and efforts and just how crucial they are. It was one of those unexpected, out-of-the-blue, sent from heaven (or wherever) moments that are just meant to happen. My mother, who has been an alcoholic for years, and who I haven't had much of a relationship with since having my son three years ago, called me from her rehab center in Arizona (she finally accepted help). She spoke to me (openly, honestly!) about her classes and how she is learning how to communicate and express her feelings. She shared with me that it is one of the most difficult things she has ever (EVER... coming from a woman who has had a very difficult life) done. "I wasn't raised anything like this," she said. "I wish I would have taught you kids all of this."
It was an odd yet perfect time to have this conversation. Currently, in my own life, my biggest struggle at the moment is communicating more effectively with my husband. We are trying, and failing a lot. It has come between us more than it ever should have and it seems like such a simple thing to change-- but it's NOT. It's freakin' hard. We are reading books, learning more about Non-Violent Communication, trying to figure out what each other needs. But in the heat of a discussion, to not revert back to old habits, is just plain exasperating. It is for sure, the most difficult thing I have ever done, too.
So you see, here you have two grown adults... at COMPLETELY different points in their life... struggling with something so basic. Experiencing pain, loss, frustration, anger, over something so simple yet so foreign to them both. Does it matter how educated they are, how "socialized" they were as children, how positive or negative their childhood experiences were, how much money they had or how many things they have now? No! Nothing matters...except that there was NO communication taught in either family as children, there was no "connection" with parents that allowed the child to freely express themselves and work through feelings, among other things. This is where the path of past parenting styles have led two generations, and at the end of the road there is nothing but a huge split that requires a lot of damn work to get over.
It is my hopes that, no matter what happens in my children's lives, they always know they have a safe place to turn to. A loving shoulder to cry on. An open environment to express their feelings no matter WHAT those feelings may be. They may wind up in bad situations, they may wind up feeling hurt or angry or many of the other millions of bad things parents pray never happen to their kids, but one thing that they can always be assured of is that our relationship is unconditional, our love for them is unconditional, and that regardless of their actions or behavior or anything else they will always be part of our family.
This is not a subject I am ever willing to compromise on because it does mean "The World." Our future world, starting with my children and yours. There are no excuses-- no more saying "I didn't know" or "I grew up this way and I am just fine." Clearly, things are not *fine* (good for you if you were spanked and turned out okay...time to shoot for more than just okay, maybe?). Clearly, things need to change. It is overwhelming when I stop and think about the whole nation and culture of hurting people and children, so most of the time, I don't. But I can-and do- spend a lot of time (almost every second) thinking about the small little hands that hold mine so closely every day, the big blue eyes that look up to me with love and admiration. And I can see change in those eyes. And lots of love.
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." --Jimi Hendrix <3
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Vaccine Education
I am so sick and tired of hearing all of this crazy nonsense regarding vaccines. All of it-- it's complete madness and it's driving me absolutely insane. "Pro Vax" and "Anti Vax" movements, people belittling and degrading others due to their decisions (on both sides), the lies spread by the media and the lack of education altogether. Argh!!!
I think the last one is what really bothers me. First, if you have ANY opinion about vaccines at all besides "we just get them", then you are automatically placed in a category. Then, anything you have to say regarding vaccines that perhaps others disagree with is instantly regarded as an uneducated remark (especially if it against vaccinations). Both sides point fingers and claim the other side is: UNEDUCATED. Wake up people, we all are fucking uneducated. When is the last time you learned about something in a completely unbiased fashion (not in school, that's for sure)? What was the last "hot topic" that was presented to the public without first being shaped by the greed and financial interest of larger people/corporations in charge? And at what point did everyone stop thinking for themselves and hand their brains over to someone else...because it seems to be what every damn person has done in regards to this highly sensitive topic.
I would like to RECLASSIFY the term educated when it comes to vaccinations. Educated does NOT mean you do everything the white man in the white coat tells you to do because the media tells you if you don't you are a waste of society. If you choose to weigh out the risks and make such decisions on your own, then great. But don't do it just because someone tells you to or preys off your fear. Educated means doing your OWN research, formulating your OWN conclusion, and EXERCISING your personal freedom to then implement whatever decision you have chosen. Personally, in regards to vaccines, I would say you are EDUCATED if and only after you have read every manufacturers' insert that comes with every vaccine you plan to get for yourself or your child(ren). How can you say you have made an educated decision when you have not read the ingredients, risks, side effects, precautions, safety & efficiency, etc? Do you not do this before you take any prescription medicine (I hope so)? Do you not read the label on every pre-packaged food item you purchase? Do you not research nutrition and shop for healthy balanced meals for your family? Do you try to purchase non-toxic items for your family; do you keep your hazardous chemicals away from your children's reach; do you keep a watchful eye on your children and prevent them from situations that would put them in danger? How lazy & uneducated is it then, to NOT read the simple warning label that comes with the drug you are about to have injected into your or your child's body??
Personally I don't care what decision you come to. I don't care what side of the "fence" you are on and I strongly detest the fact that there is such a great and hateful division among people over this topic anyhow. I wish we could all start a new revolution, especially parents, a revolution of education. Not "Mothers Against Vaccines" or "Mothers For Vaccinations"; "MOTHERS FOR VACCINE EDUCATION". Be educated; take a few simple hours out of your day to read more than just the 5-line paper your doctor hands you; make your decision then.
If you are curious to read the manufacturer's inserts here are the most current copies: http://www.immunize.org/packageinserts/
I think the last one is what really bothers me. First, if you have ANY opinion about vaccines at all besides "we just get them", then you are automatically placed in a category. Then, anything you have to say regarding vaccines that perhaps others disagree with is instantly regarded as an uneducated remark (especially if it against vaccinations). Both sides point fingers and claim the other side is: UNEDUCATED. Wake up people, we all are fucking uneducated. When is the last time you learned about something in a completely unbiased fashion (not in school, that's for sure)? What was the last "hot topic" that was presented to the public without first being shaped by the greed and financial interest of larger people/corporations in charge? And at what point did everyone stop thinking for themselves and hand their brains over to someone else...because it seems to be what every damn person has done in regards to this highly sensitive topic.
I would like to RECLASSIFY the term educated when it comes to vaccinations. Educated does NOT mean you do everything the white man in the white coat tells you to do because the media tells you if you don't you are a waste of society. If you choose to weigh out the risks and make such decisions on your own, then great. But don't do it just because someone tells you to or preys off your fear. Educated means doing your OWN research, formulating your OWN conclusion, and EXERCISING your personal freedom to then implement whatever decision you have chosen. Personally, in regards to vaccines, I would say you are EDUCATED if and only after you have read every manufacturers' insert that comes with every vaccine you plan to get for yourself or your child(ren). How can you say you have made an educated decision when you have not read the ingredients, risks, side effects, precautions, safety & efficiency, etc? Do you not do this before you take any prescription medicine (I hope so)? Do you not read the label on every pre-packaged food item you purchase? Do you not research nutrition and shop for healthy balanced meals for your family? Do you try to purchase non-toxic items for your family; do you keep your hazardous chemicals away from your children's reach; do you keep a watchful eye on your children and prevent them from situations that would put them in danger? How lazy & uneducated is it then, to NOT read the simple warning label that comes with the drug you are about to have injected into your or your child's body??
Personally I don't care what decision you come to. I don't care what side of the "fence" you are on and I strongly detest the fact that there is such a great and hateful division among people over this topic anyhow. I wish we could all start a new revolution, especially parents, a revolution of education. Not "Mothers Against Vaccines" or "Mothers For Vaccinations"; "MOTHERS FOR VACCINE EDUCATION". Be educated; take a few simple hours out of your day to read more than just the 5-line paper your doctor hands you; make your decision then.
If you are curious to read the manufacturer's inserts here are the most current copies: http://www.immunize.org/packageinserts/
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
A Lonely Journey
Sometimes I think that the people who come across me judge me very harshly based on the decisions I make. Because I strive to raise my children as toxic-free as possible, because I prefer to eat organic foods, because I am very picky in regards to what my son is exposed to in terms of play and interaction. Because on a deeper level, I question those in power. Our medical community, our politicians, our schools, our governmental system, our food, our freedoms, religion. I don't exactly follow the norm and it's not because I want to make waves, but this is what people often tend to think. You don't vaccinate your children because you are uneducated. You question the ideals of our country because you want to be different. You don't put your kids in school because you are a hippie. Everything has a label, and every label is negative. And with every negative label I am pushed farther and farther from the friends and support groups I once knew and was accepted in.
These are just a few of the things I think and/or do that cause the people around me to deem me as unlikable for some reason. It's as if they think that I am looking down on everyone who makes different decisions than I do. I have tried many times to have real conversations with people about what I feel and why I do the things I do, but it never helps. Every time they try to open up to me in return, I can just sense the discomfort and apologetic tone when they talk to me.
When a long-ago friend actually tried to talk to me about "the way I am" (as if it's a disease and I should just "change back to normal"), I finally got so frustrated by her accusations that I told the honest truth (which doesn't help make or keep friends, BTW). I told her very straightforwardly: "I do not CARE what you do with your children. It doesn't matter to me and I don't think about it ever. The only thing that matters to me and the reason behind every single decision I make is my son, his health, his welfare." Was there a nicer way I could have told her that I'm not judging her, ever? Yeah probably. That way certainly didn't go over well. But truth be told it sucks to be made out into some judgmental uptight monster when all I am trying to do is the best for my family. Are there times when I'm overly opinionated and expressive? Of course. Are there moments when I could choose my words more carefully, be more polite? Yeah, definitely. I am strong-willed and quite the extrovert--neither of which help my case much. I am working on that. I am still very far from judgmental, uneducated, or ignorant-- and those terms are what hurt me the most.
Something I have learned over the past few years is that ignorance is sure as hell bliss. Like the man who breaks free in Plato's Allegory of the Cave, I have been misunderstood and labeled mad-- and can seemingly never return to the cave. However, the truth cannot be unlearned. And once you have a small taste of it, you just need more. The place I am in is not necessarily a fun one-but it's part of my journey and I would rather accept it than pretend as though it didn't exist. I would rather be drowning in the middle of a sea of information, uncertainty, and global/universal concepts that were once unbeknownst to me completely, than to be swimming at the bottom of the sea happy yet misinformed, serving someone's agenda without even knowing it. I spent most of my life indoctrinated by persons and institutions and was even well-trained to believe I was thinking for myself. I see now that I never was, and most of everything I had ever believed before was at the profit of someone else. I may not be as confident in what I know now, but I am confident that I will always seek the truth for myself.
These are just a few of the things I think and/or do that cause the people around me to deem me as unlikable for some reason. It's as if they think that I am looking down on everyone who makes different decisions than I do. I have tried many times to have real conversations with people about what I feel and why I do the things I do, but it never helps. Every time they try to open up to me in return, I can just sense the discomfort and apologetic tone when they talk to me.
When a long-ago friend actually tried to talk to me about "the way I am" (as if it's a disease and I should just "change back to normal"), I finally got so frustrated by her accusations that I told the honest truth (which doesn't help make or keep friends, BTW). I told her very straightforwardly: "I do not CARE what you do with your children. It doesn't matter to me and I don't think about it ever. The only thing that matters to me and the reason behind every single decision I make is my son, his health, his welfare." Was there a nicer way I could have told her that I'm not judging her, ever? Yeah probably. That way certainly didn't go over well. But truth be told it sucks to be made out into some judgmental uptight monster when all I am trying to do is the best for my family. Are there times when I'm overly opinionated and expressive? Of course. Are there moments when I could choose my words more carefully, be more polite? Yeah, definitely. I am strong-willed and quite the extrovert--neither of which help my case much. I am working on that. I am still very far from judgmental, uneducated, or ignorant-- and those terms are what hurt me the most.
Something I have learned over the past few years is that ignorance is sure as hell bliss. Like the man who breaks free in Plato's Allegory of the Cave, I have been misunderstood and labeled mad-- and can seemingly never return to the cave. However, the truth cannot be unlearned. And once you have a small taste of it, you just need more. The place I am in is not necessarily a fun one-but it's part of my journey and I would rather accept it than pretend as though it didn't exist. I would rather be drowning in the middle of a sea of information, uncertainty, and global/universal concepts that were once unbeknownst to me completely, than to be swimming at the bottom of the sea happy yet misinformed, serving someone's agenda without even knowing it. I spent most of my life indoctrinated by persons and institutions and was even well-trained to believe I was thinking for myself. I see now that I never was, and most of everything I had ever believed before was at the profit of someone else. I may not be as confident in what I know now, but I am confident that I will always seek the truth for myself.
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