Peaceful Parenting

This is a topic that is so near and dear to my heart right now. Obviously, I am a mother of young children-- but it hits me even deeper than that. I look at our society and so many of the problems in our young and old alike, and I truly to my core feel like this is the answer we so desperately need. It's easy to look at the outward problems our western modern society faces (poor diets, so many on prescription medicines, the mass diagnosis of mental issues such as anxiety and depression, to name a few) but what is at the root of all of these things? Such a vague question which probably does not have one easy answer; however, I truly feel that if our parenting techniques change we will start to see so many changes in our society as a whole. This has become my passion.

It has been such a bumpy road uncovering these techniques and philosophies (and ultimately, validating what I felt was right in my heart). I have been met with resistance from both strangers and family, accusations, insults, rude remarks and even pleasant ones from people who feel that they need to "help" me with my "willful" child. Words like "control", "manipulate", and "obey" became part of conversations I would hear. Expressions such as: "if you don't enforce discipline now then they will walk all over you later in life", and: "if you don't teach them to behave now they'll never learn" were thrown out like they were part of some manual for raising children I never managed to get a copy of. Not only did none of it make sense to me (I don't know many 6 year olds who try to climb under the table at a restaurant , for example, or many adults who take advantage of their parents because they remember fondly the wonderful relationship they had with them). For a while, I was very emotional about all of this. I have now come to a place of understanding. This way of child-rearing is very new for many people. Unfortunately (or fortunately, for parents now), the culture at the time plays a large role in how parents raise their children, and if you search back a few generations...well...it wasn't pleasant. We went from extreme corporal punishment, to limited corporal punishment, to behavior control and modification and now luckily for many- a complete reversal in thinking. Our times went from influences such as B.F. Skinner and John Watson, to attachment parenting advocated such as John Bowlby and William Sears.

There have been many times on this journey of parenting that I have felt alone, but I realize I am far from alone. Although I may be standing solo at certain places/times/situations, there is really a whole movement of parents working towards change. There are abundant resources at our fingertips that our parents didn't have: AP support groups, gentle parenting meetup groups, internet resources and other free help just about everywhere. I meet more people out who are peaceful and respectful to their children than I do those who are not. I need to keep this in mind when I become saddened by witnessing another child being spanked, or screamed at, or put in time out, or even just told that if they don't do XYZ "right now" they will lose their favorite toy, or show, or snack. It's sad. It's heartbreaking. But we can change the future. And we will!

Today, something happened that really opened my eyes to my goals and efforts and just how crucial they are. It was one of those unexpected, out-of-the-blue, sent from heaven (or wherever) moments that are just meant to happen. My mother, who has been an alcoholic for years, and who I haven't had much of a relationship with since having my son three years ago, called me from her rehab center in Arizona (she finally accepted help). She spoke to me (openly, honestly!) about her classes and how she is learning how to communicate and express her feelings. She shared with me that it is one of the most difficult things she has ever (EVER... coming from a woman who has had a very difficult life) done. "I wasn't raised anything like this," she said. "I wish I would have taught you kids all of this."

It was an odd yet perfect time to have this conversation. Currently, in my own life, my biggest struggle at the moment is communicating more effectively with my husband. We are trying, and failing a lot. It has come between us more than it ever should have and it seems like such a simple thing to change-- but it's NOT. It's freakin' hard. We are reading books, learning more about Non-Violent Communication, trying to figure out what each other needs. But in the heat of a discussion, to not revert back to old habits, is just plain exasperating. It is for sure, the most difficult thing I have ever done, too.

So you see, here you have two grown adults... at COMPLETELY different points in their life... struggling with something so basic. Experiencing pain, loss, frustration, anger, over something so simple yet so foreign to them both. Does it matter how educated they are, how "socialized" they were as children, how positive or negative their childhood experiences were, how much money they had or how many things they have now? No! Nothing matters...except that there was NO communication taught in either family as children, there was no "connection" with parents that allowed the child to freely express themselves and work through feelings, among other things. This is where the path of past parenting styles have led two generations, and at the end of the road there is nothing but a huge split that requires a lot of damn work to get over.

It is my hopes that, no matter what happens in my children's lives, they always know they have a safe place to turn to. A loving shoulder to cry on. An open environment to express their feelings no matter WHAT those feelings may be. They may wind up in bad situations, they may wind up feeling hurt or angry or many of the other millions of bad things parents pray never happen to their kids, but one thing that they can always be assured of is that our relationship is unconditional, our love for them is unconditional, and that regardless of their actions or behavior or anything else they will always be part of our family.

This is not a subject I am ever willing to compromise on because it does mean "The World." Our future world, starting with my children and yours. There are no excuses-- no more saying "I didn't know" or "I grew up this way and I am just fine." Clearly, things are not *fine* (good for you if you were spanked and turned out okay...time to shoot for more than just okay, maybe?). Clearly, things need to change. It is overwhelming when I stop and think about the whole nation and culture of hurting people and children, so most of the time, I don't. But I can-and do- spend a lot of time (almost every second) thinking about the small little hands that hold mine so closely every day, the big blue eyes that look up to me with love and admiration. And I can see change in those eyes. And lots of love.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace." --Jimi Hendrix  <3