Sometimes I think that the people who come across me judge me very harshly based on the decisions I make. Because I strive to raise my children as toxic-free as possible, because I prefer to eat organic foods, because I am very picky in regards to what my son is exposed to in terms of play and interaction. Because on a deeper level, I question those in power. Our medical community, our politicians, our schools, our governmental system, our food, our freedoms, religion. I don't exactly follow the norm and it's not because I want to make waves, but this is what people often tend to think. You don't vaccinate your children because you are uneducated. You question the ideals of our country because you want to be different. You don't put your kids in school because you are a hippie. Everything has a label, and every label is negative. And with every negative label I am pushed farther and farther from the friends and support groups I once knew and was accepted in.
These are just a few of the things I think and/or do that cause the people around me to deem me as unlikable for some reason. It's as if they think that I am looking down on everyone who makes different decisions than I do. I have tried many times to have real conversations with people about what I feel and why I do the things I do, but it never helps. Every time they try to open up to me in return, I can just sense the discomfort and apologetic tone when they talk to me.
When a long-ago friend actually tried to talk to me about "the way I am" (as if it's a disease and I should just "change back to normal"), I finally got so frustrated by her accusations that I told the honest truth (which doesn't help make or keep friends, BTW). I told her very straightforwardly: "I do not CARE what you do with your children. It doesn't matter to me and I don't think about it ever. The only thing that matters to me and the reason behind every single decision I make is my son, his health, his welfare." Was there a nicer way I could have told her that I'm not judging her, ever? Yeah probably. That way certainly didn't go over well. But truth be told it sucks to be made out into some judgmental uptight monster when all I am trying to do is the best for my family. Are there times when I'm overly opinionated and expressive? Of course. Are there moments when I could choose my words more carefully, be more polite? Yeah, definitely. I am strong-willed and quite the extrovert--neither of which help my case much. I am working on that. I am still very far from judgmental, uneducated, or ignorant-- and those terms are what hurt me the most.
Something I have learned over the past few years is that ignorance is sure as hell bliss. Like the man who breaks free in Plato's Allegory of the Cave, I have been misunderstood and labeled mad-- and can seemingly never return to the cave. However, the truth cannot be unlearned. And once you have a small taste of it, you just need more. The place I am in is not necessarily a fun one-but it's part of my journey and I would rather accept it than pretend as though it didn't exist. I would rather be drowning in the middle of a sea of information, uncertainty, and global/universal concepts that were once unbeknownst to me completely, than to be swimming at the bottom of the sea happy yet misinformed, serving someone's agenda without even knowing it. I spent most of my life indoctrinated by persons and institutions and was even well-trained to believe I was thinking for myself. I see now that I never was, and most of everything I had ever believed before was at the profit of someone else. I may not be as confident in what I know now, but I am confident that I will always seek the truth for myself.
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