It's been so long since I have sat down at a computer and typed what's in my heart...
I MISS IT!
Six months ago or so, my three year old spilled water all over my laptop. There went computer number two (and I'm not even going to say how many cell phones). It's hard enough to find time to write, having to find a computer AND the time to write was pretty much not going to happen ever. But alas, there finally seems to be a moment of silence in my house-- and I wanted nothing more than to sit down on hubby's computer and jump on my long-lost blog. Ironically, I've been sitting here with no clue where to begin. So many thoughts to catch up on. So many emotions from a long, stressful day. And partially just enjoying the peace as well!
Our latest struggles have been detoxing in ways I never imagined when I first set foot on this toxic-free journey. Food, check. Clothes, toys, check. Soaps, cleaners, beauty products, check. But how often do we pause life to check out our emotions? In such a busy culture, in such a hostile environment, stopping to smell the roses and create a house of peace for some reason never made the list. Until one day, we had enough. Three moves, two small kids (who don't sleep, ever, and who we are raising without any help from family) and a demanding job that requires a lot of work from hubby later, we finally said-- that's it! We were bending under pressure. We were rude, sarcastic, short, irritable. Our little bear, imitating mommy and daddy, had also become rude, sarcastic, short, and irritable. We agreed there had to be a better, more peaceful way. And we began to figure that out.
It was tough on our own. Sometimes I feel like as children, we are taught all of the wrong things. Sit still, be quiet, get good grades, clean your room, maybe if you were lucky you were taught to save your money. What about the life lessons that really matter- how to hold a genuine conversation, how to express your emotions without hurting others, how to manage anger and frustration, how to be in charge of our feelings and not bend when others try to break us. Why do we not learn what real love looks like, what to do when things don't go our way, how to be patient, how to meditate when we are under stress, how to stay healthy- physically AND emotionally. I don't think our parents (not necessarily ours but parents in general) have failed us; rather, I think sadly that they did not ever learn these things either. And if you look around at a very sad, angry, depressed, hurting community of youth and young adults (many who are now also raising very sad, angry, depressed, and hurting kids of their own) this is obvious. They may be great at algebra or soccer or be first in their class, but are they on medication, in a bad relationship, abusing substances, etc etc in order to be "happy"? There is certainly something to be said about all of that. If I am making any sense.
Today, life in our household is so much better. My relationship with my husband has been restored. My little bear is thriving off a sense of family, routine, responsibility and belonging to something higher than himself. I am rekindling that connection with my kids, the one I thought for a while there that I might be too tired to ever get back. We have mantras hung about our house, meditate together, spend quality time together, and every day we are improving in our dialogue and communication (although we have lots of slip-ups, we are doing much better. Rewiring that old brain sure is difficult).
The difficult part of all this now, is coming to terms with the fact that some people are just toxic and do not make maintaining the zen of our family easy. I see now that toxic should not just be a label for food or items, but it should also be a label for people or situations. Putting yourself in an environment where you know you are setting yourself up for failure. That is toxic, too. I have always felt that primal need to shelter my children from certain things, but now I feel that same need to protect my family UNIT. Because now, we are striving towards things that I (having had many phases of being toxic myself in my younger years, which I am not proud of) never in a million years would have dreamed could be attainable. Now it is here, in my home, and it's beautiful and sacred and I am never letting it go. Even if that means making tough decisions. Even if that means going against wonderful qualities such as forgiveness, empathy, compassion. "Toxic" comes in many forms and has many faces. And just like all of those awful chemicals and products, it will not be brought into our home. **Breathing sigh of relief**
Good luck to all of you dealing with a toxic person in your life. It's difficult. And if you find yourself hurting others (as I did for many years) please know it's never too late to change. XO,
